Riding the Crest of the Memories of the Past

In my mind I thought it was you. But I was so scared so afraid to move.
I did not know for sure as I thought it was a dream. As I have mistaken the real for the unseen.
Endless fear had trapped my mind. Endless clutter from the past had made me blind.
But you are right. It is not yet the right time. I know that completely but still I pine..
I know that I am never totally alone. I know that we are all one giant stone.
My ego pulls in endless waves tossing me about whenever I crave.
I am choosing to let it all go. My life, my past, my endless woes.
I do realize that they are not real. Yet the pull is strong for their joys and thrills.
I can still see the value in it all. Reflections of suffering can still enthrall.
I do know that they are all God. They are all me, they are all just facades.
Yet still I live in this earthly trap. I know it has value. I know it is a map.
Just to let go of what I think, would be proof of a freedom from which I would readily drink.
I would take you, just as you are. That is how I remember it. We had nothing but the stars...
We did not need anything else. For many days we played with the elf’s.
I remember a trance so deep. I sat in your lap and we did not sleep.
Twenty one days did we stay is that place. Your lips touching mine. Your breath in my face.
Riding the crest of an even increasing wave. Of conscious pleasure, torment, and pain.
It was bliss. I remember it so clear. Your strength had entered me like a lighted spear.
It was life. It was complete. It was suffering. It was so sweet.
I still am adjusting to this expanded suffering humanity creates. I do not remember needing to cause this much pain to reach a gate.
That was because our lives were so difficult then. Pain was normal it happened again and again.
To cultivate the art of greater suffering did not occur. Acceptance was all we had to defer.
If this life is there to show, how to open to this place I do not know.
I will watch, observe, and see. Life teaches me something that I have not yet freed.
I do know that time will tell. What is joy is also hell.
Interwoven they will always be.. What has dark is also beauty.
You are the dark that holds the light. I am the emotion that flows in the night.
Together we will find what I lack. It should be easy because everything is cracked.
As I let go of safety and form. Everything will change and there will be a new norm.
I sit and learn that it is valuable to wait. Even if my mind will not abate.
Trust in you is all I know. That is why I will await your flow.